How I Spent the Rest of My Summer Vacation: Postcards from 76ers
August is often referred to as “The dog days of summer” for major league baseball. For the NBA, August is more like a hibernation period. The playoffs, lottery, and draft are all distant memories.
Free agency blew in like a cyclone and scattered marquee players all over the league, while rookies and NBA wannabes (Can you spell Jimmer) were in Vegas playing some mostly horrific summer league basketball. Now all that is left is the waiting, and hopefully working. Below are some postcards every Sixer fan would like to get in their mailbox.
BEN SIMMONS
Dear Philly,
I know you’ve been waiting to hear this for a long time, so I thought I’d tell you myself instead of you having to hope Tobias was telling the truth. I even leaked a video to give you all a little taste. Truth be told, I’ve been spending six hours a day six days a week working on my J. Not the J’s you see me shooting pregame where I stand behind the three-point line and shoot like I’m playing horse. And not the J’s where I dribble to the worst possible angles on the floor, stop, spin my back to the basket and then propel my body upward at a 60-degree angle to the floor before I shoot. Nope, I’ve just been focusing on going hard and rising straight up and down on elbow Js off the dribble. I figure if I can just make these this year when Al or Jo sets me a screen, I will essentially be an unstoppable force. I’m not saying Lebron, but who knows.
Love,
Ben
JOEL EMBIID
Dear Philly,
Hey everybody, I’ve been back from China for about three weeks. The Great Wall was pretty cool, but the most amazing discoveries I made over there were vegetables and tea! I haven’t eaten anything but veggies or had a drink besides tea for over a month now. Sometimes I miss the cookies-and-cream milkshakes, but green tea is pretty much the same thing. I’m so hooked on this stuff that I moved a world-renowned chef from Beijing into my place. He makes everything I eat and drink, and he’s pretty awesome at FIFA and 2K too!
I also just bought this amazing underwater treadmill. I’m still terrified of the water because I never learned how to swim, but this thing sits in 5 feet of water. I’d have to be some kind of idiot to drown. Anyway, I’ve built up to running like 15 miles a day on this thing and it doesn’t bother my feet, knees or back at all. I feel like I could run all day and not get tired. It’s fantastic!
Oh well, I’m running out of room and I gotta go shopping. My pants and shorts are all falling off me. Guess that’s what happens when you lose 25 pounds.
Love,
Jo
AL HORFORD
Dear Philly,
It’s Big Al. I can’t wait to get down there and get to work. It will be great not to have to grab Jo’s arms and jersey or throw forearm shivers into his back anymore. Anyway, I decided to hang up here in Boston for the rest of the summer. I know what your thinking, but it ain’t like that. I realized I’m getting up there a little bit, and I gotta make sure I earn my $109 million even when I turn 37 at the end of my contract. So I been hanging with the GOAT, TB12. I have been chilling in his sleep flotation tank every day, learning to meditate like Tom and getting fitted for some of his special recovery PJ’s. Don’t tell anyone, but they have footies!
Tommy has also taught me how to be a vegan (I know the secret ingredient in his smoothies) and I’ve been getting 6 messages a day from his fitness guru. By the end of summer, the time-reversal process should be complete and I will be like 29 again! See you soon.
Love,
Al
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