As Coronavirus escalates into a global pandemic, the Philadelphia Mayor delivers an emergency address to his constituency.

Governor Tom Wolf has declared the State of Emergency in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, urging residents to take every precaution necessary to remain healthy and reduce the risk of becoming immunocompromised. I am joining him in recognizing the immediacy of the threat posed by COVID-19 and declaring a State of Emergency in the City of Philadelphia.

However, I want to utilize my platform and address a particularly at-risk community: Philadelphia Sports Fans.

Our fans are the best in the world, and the postponement of Opening Day, March Madness, the Flyers finally being good again, and the XFL (tangentially) presents a devastating blow to this community.

While our nightly hajj to the Wells Fargo Center is indefinitely suspended, there are a few achievable goals worth setting to remain in touch with your Philadelphia Sports Spirit. Panic is in the air, but we have worked tirelessly with our friends at the CDC and Xfinity Live.


Together, we have outlined the DOs and DON’Ts of COVID-19 that can help you keep your calm in these trying times.


DOs

  • DO rewatch Super Bowl LII. Zero cases of COVID-19 have been traced back to exposure to the Eagles’ victory over New England.
  • DO wash your hands after every middle finger you flip at an out-of-state driver. It is imperative to wash hands frequently. Consider humming “Gonna Fly Now” to yourself while scrubbing. It is way longer than the recommended twenty seconds, but what a great song.
  • DO wear a facemask in public. This is not required, but the CDC has stated that such measures can be very helpful when navigating more heavily trafficked spaces. See Carter Hart footage for information on how to add flavor to your mask.
  • DO keep wearing your jersey. Most athletic gear is made of polyester, a particularly porous material capable of wicking away bodily fluids with ease. Cotton tends to trap particles, making it a more likely carrier of the virus. As such, sleeping in your old McNabb jersey can minimize the chances of infection.
  • DO keep in mind there are some silver linings: the Sixers’ underwhelming season can finally be silenced, and the Phillies were probably going to choke anyway.

DON’Ts

  • DON’T use alcohol as a prescriptive measure. Alcohol is famously used to sanitize, but Yuengling has no proven impact on coronavirus immunity. Only hand sanitizers with 60%-95% alcohol effectively kill the virus. This may include more potent whiskeys and scotches, but, like, really?
  • DON’T stay inside for extended periods. While we urge people to work from home when they can, it is crucial to get outside. Whatever coronavirus is capable of, the psychological impact is nothing compared to cabin fever, whose victims have ended up calling for Wentz to be traded or suggesting we should trade up for Tua.
  • DON’T high five or “pound it.” Foot-fives, as demonstrated in this tweet, are a safe option. For those less comfortable with contact, a simple “GO BIRDS,” is an appropriate replacement as well. Respondents are urged to repeat the chant back.
  • DON’T defend the wage gap between the US Men’s and Women’s soccer teams. This has nothing to do with the virus. It’s simply inexcusable.
  • DON’T listen to WIP during the quarantine. Consumption of the radio program is only approved by the FDA for up to two commutes, and exceeding that limit can pose serious health risks.

COVID-19 is a very real, and very serious threat to the health of our community, most notably Philadelphians above 50 years of age. We will be ceaselessly monitoring the situation and urge everyone to follow the City social media accounts and Colangelo’s burner for realtime updates.

In the meantime, taking the aforementioned precautions can save your life, or that of a loved one. Travel should be limited to visiting your doctor or flying to Dallas after testing positive.

Always remember to cough into your shoulder unless you are Ben Simmons. We cannot risk any more shoulder-related complications to recent first-round draft picks.


Philadelphians are notoriously close-knit, and I am confident our city will come together in this difficult time, albeit not physically.
If our reputation for fighting was ever to be put to use, today is that day. Remain vigilant, remain calm, and as always, GO BIRDS.

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