That’s right folks, Madden rankings are released! This year’s rendition of the timeless football classic comes in standard, deluxe, and MVP editions — and one more.

With 2020 being designated “Worst Year A Boston Team Didn’t Win A Championship (Yet)” EA Sports decided to treat fans to a “Philly Philly” version of the game, complete with a pants-less Nick Foles on the cover.

“What with all the terrible news about the virus and Dallas still existing, we had to give the world something fresh, something with zeal,” said creative director Patrick Coleman last week. “The finished product? My personal Mona Lisa.”

Fans will be shocked to find the 99-Club no longer recognizing the talents of Aaron Donald, Michael Thomas, or Christian McCaffrey.

Instead, the outright leader in ratings is quarterback Carson Wentz, with 102.

Eagles Madden 19 Ratings : Offense | Eagles Wire

“His intangibles were being vastly overlooked in the standard version, I’m glad they added the category of ‘faith,'” reports tight end and equally vocal-Christian Zach Ertz.

Ertz joins literally every player on the Eagles roster as his positional leader, skill-wise. The one position not dominated by an Eagles player? Safety. Newly-re-acquainted Saint Malcolm Jenkins had this to say: “You’re moving Jalen over? Oh boy.”

Delayed shipping on the new edition has spurred frustration among fans in Delco. A dime a dozen angry white guy wearing an oversized Sixers Jersey over a Wildwood long-sleeve t-shirt while spending his virtual semester at Villanova at home on the Main Line took to the streets to express his frustration.

He kept repeating:

“I want trash Elmo. Gimme trash Elmo.”

Ironically, a touchdown celebration wherein players put on an Elmo costume and berate fans was precisely the source of delays by the graphics team.

In-game stadiums will be without fans, reflecting safety precautions taken by the city of Philadelphia.

Coleman was elated to hear of Mayor Jim Kenney’s decision:

“Our in-house Counsel couldn’t find any appropriate way to design Philadelphians that was both apt and legal, so we had scrapped fans entirely months ago.”

Players can utilize the new storyline mode, a fully-immersive VR experience. After adjusting their character’s settings to reflect their own, they can play as a disgruntled Uncle trying to watch the 2008 NFC Championship game while severing as few family ties as possible. Play-calling is still a vital piece of the experience, though none of your character’s choices are reflected in the game being played.

The Philly Philly edition also includes the “F Lot Greats,” a band of all-time Eagles mirroring the Canton Greats. However, unlike the Canton team, the F Lot Greats are not 99 overall. “We took some liberties with ‘great.’ It’s just a bunch of players who were supposed to be great.”

Cornerbacks Byron Maxwell and Nnamdi Asomugha hold down the backfield in this playing mode, wherein any opponent automatically completes every pass.

Photo: IamOUTLAW/YouTube

“The Greats are coached by Andy Reid,” said Coleman, “giving them the faux sense of talent. In reality, the team is programmed to be incapable of using any timeouts inside the two-minute warning.”

Players around the league are furious about Madden: Philly Philly Edition, citing unfair credentials. League Posterchild Tom Brady had this to say: “How the f*** am I a 33 passer?”

Others sour about low ratings include Defensive End Jadeveon Clowney, Runningback Ezekiel Elliott, and coach Sean McVay.

“I didn’t even know you could rate coaches,” said McVay, a 12 overall in that category.

The soundtrack, a playlist of 14-straight “Dreams and Nightmares” recordings, has been heralded by music critics as a “revolutionary piece of art” (Rolling Stone) and “video-game decadence at its finest.

Featured Image: Operation Sports
Comments are closed.

Check Also

Need A Third Wheel?

Julio, Quez Watkins, and Zaccheaus weren’t the answer.Now, the Eagles will turn to t…