You like cheesesteaks, right?
Now imagine a world where your fantasy football previews are written like cheesesteak orders.
That’s right, welcome to WizWitWill. I’m Will, and I’m here to help you win your league. That, or I am bringing you down with my team. Only time will tell.
First, there will be a fun little anecdote having something to do with the upcoming matchup, or maybe just something I want you to read. You can read it or you can skip it, but if you skip it, don’t tell me you skipped it. My pride is fragile.
Second, there will be predictions. Which players you should start — WizWit — and which players you should pass on — WizWitout. Who doesn’t like fried onions?
So without further ado, I humbly welcome you on a journey: if you are an Eagles fan, play fantasy football, are a supportive friend or family member of mine, or woefully lost on the internet, please enjoy the inaugural edition of WIZ! WIT! WILL!
Mom, if you are reading this, keep scrolling.
Remember back when the Washington Football Team had a name? Listen, close boys and girls, because it is storytime:
Towards the end of 2015, maybe 2016, the Eagles had a late-season Sunday Night Football game against Washington. My friends and I make an annual hajj to the Linc, coordinating one game per year to blackout in a cold stadium with a ton of loud fans. This year was no different in theory.
After the 12th Modelo, mistakes were made. A light lob of an empty can at a passerby donning the wrong jersey spurred a confrontation. The Washington fan, understandably upset, turned and stormed toward me: “Did you throw a beer can at me?”
Scrolling down, you’ll see my picture. Importantly, you’ll also see that I am not a fighter. Those little yappy dogs that bark a ton but are better suited for punting than petting? That’s me. Needless to say, this was not going to end well.
My friends, allies that they are, turned me in immediately. Suddenly I’m stammering into this man’s face trying to will my way around a fight. To my chagrin, a fellow Eagles fan from nearby tailgate steps in.
“You guys got a problem?” he asks, stepping between the competing parties.
“Your buddy here threw a can at me.”
Now, turning to face the Washington fan, my new comrade responds, “so you DO have a problem with my boy.” He gestures to his tailgate, and suddenly the Washington fan is surrounded.
The crowd continues to grow and grow, encircling this poor visiting fan. For as much remorse as I felt, surely he was feeling regret tenfold forever saying a word. People started shoving him around until three cops on horseback arrived, watched the brawl for a few seconds until they — I kid you not — checked their watches, and then broke it up, ultimately handing the WASHINGTON fan a ticket for being a public nuisance.
A walked back to my tailgate, a shell of a man, shook at what I had not simply witnessed but inexplicably started. A word to the wise: Keep your cans to yourselves.
WizWit
Carson Wentz
The true king of steaks, Wentz is on a revenge tour in 2020. 2017 had the crispy sesame seeds on a freshly baked bun, the perfectly marbled steak dripping with an indistinguishable mix of grease and cheese wiz. Hopefully, back to back years mired by injury (be it his own or that of his weapons) are things of the past. In 2018 and 2019 Wentz lost his deep threat in Mike Wallace and DeSean Jackson, respectively, but with the latter healthy he will finally be able to stretch the field the way he did in his 2017 near-MVP campaign. Washington ain’t ready.
Eagles D/ST
Dwayne Haskins? Yes, please. Defensive-minded, first-year-with-a-new-team Head Coach? Sign me up. If 2019 was of any indication, the Washington football team’s offensive prowess is as relevant as its mascot. You know when you’re at a family reunion and have to play yard games with preteens half your size? And everything inside of you just wants to dunk on them, but you know they would cry? That is how our defense should feel going into this, but they won’t go easy.
Miles Sanders
To think a guy whose position is valued based on how far he runs to replace the name “Miles” with “Boogie” is a bold choice, but drafting him early and often is not. Washington was 30th against running backs last season, evident by Boogie’s Week 15 performance: 19 rushes for 122 yards and a touchdown. And for dessert could we get 50 receiving yards and another touchdown? Any doubts about Boogie should be limited to his health because when he starts, he is the guy this offense will run through.
Zach Ertz
Start Ertz and skip the rest of this paragraph. After Jackson (who, to be honest, is mainly just a deep threat), Ertz is the only proven receiver active on Sunday. Still, reading? He was also a top-four wide receiver in essentially everyone’s draft. Who are you going to start, TJ Hockenson? Have fun I guess. Still, reading? Just cut Ertz. You don’t deserve him. STILL, reading? Hi mom!
DeSean Jackson
Who is old enough to remember when DJax got canceled for Anti-Semitism? As noted, Ertz is the only other living, breathing body healthy enough and talented enough to trust as a receiving option. In Jackson’s sole game with Ertz he caught 8 passes for 154 yards and 2 touchdowns.
Aside from that, his biggest competition for targets among true Wide Receivers is Greg Ward, Jr. Still reading? I didn’t think so.
WizWitout
Jake Elliott
I love Jake, I really do, but he only had 4 games about 7 points last season. There are too many kickers who have proven themselves to outscore him to merit starting him this week. Frankly, until the offense proves it is clicking, Elliott can remain on waivers. Unless you are like my friend Chris in a 15-man league, in which case you should basically be starting Elliott at quarterback.
Greg Ward Jr.
Ward was THE man when everyone else was dead and buried, but DJax is back, Ertz Is healthy, Sanders is around, Reagor has arrived, and Howie is still blabbering on about JJ Arcega-Whiteside (who I literally refuse to even spend a second talking about).
Ward will be enormously useful for this team in real life but is not even worth a roster slot in fantasy.
Jalen Reagor
Reagor just moved from Doubtful to Questionable after practicing in pads again this week. Is there a chance he plays? Sure. Do I want to start a rookie wide receiver, third on the depth chart, after a shortened training camp? Not even if he was healthy. Frankly, until DeSean Jackson’s number is hanging in the rafters, it’s tough to figure how Reagor can finagle fantasy relevance.
Dallas Goedert
Howie — PAY ERTZ. Goedert is great, but Ertz could be in the Hall of Fame someday. Teams need to stop overthinking and pay their guys sometimes. As for Goedert, he is worth a look for the folks who astutely wait at the position, but his ceiling is capped by his spot in the depth chart. Anyone willing to start Hunter Henry or worse might as well give Goedert a stream against the 28th ranked TE Defense.
Featured Image: Capriotti's
