So You’ve Given Up on the Eagles…
…What’s next?
After three weeks of football, the Eagles are somehow NOT in the last place. Like Democrats cheering on Biden’s debate performance, Philadelphia earned a lukewarm celebration last week, moving a half-game up on all three divisional rivals via a tie with the Bengals. Somehow, relative to 2020, that sentence is a far cry from the most depressing thing you have heard in some time.
/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/65766808/usa_today_13707761.0.jpg)
Photo: Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports
Three weeks, zero free Dunkin. Philadelphians want answers, and instead, they got a clown car of unrecognizable practice squad names rolling into Wednesday’s practice. The likes of Greg Ward, Jr. and John Hightower make up the veteran pass catchers on the squad as the head into… a Sunday Night Football matchup against the reigning Conference Champion San Francisco 49ers. In their last two weeks, the 49ers have won by a combined 67-22. Oy vey.
Before going any further, let’s be clear: we will bleed green until kingdom come. The Eagles will always be our #1 team, barring Cancel Culture’s greatest feat yet. Unless they are fracking with RuPaul, the Birds come first. Always.
But — and I say this with great caution — if we were to move on from the 2020 Philadelphia Eagles, where do we go from here?
For many of us, months of quarantine were spent hyping ourselves up for this season. If ever the will to live found itself particularly fraught, we would peruse the roster by position, scrolling quickly to Defensive Line before nihilism overcame us. We watched highlights of 11 making impossible throws, daydreaming of a repeat of his 2017 campaign. We replayed the Super Bowl more times than is fit to publish.
But, they have given us nothing.
Perhaps they will turn things around, but in the meantime, we need to look elsewhere. Here are 7 alternatives to help navigate tips.
1) Root for a Different Team
For those of you just catching up, we here at PHL Sports Nation published an article in the early days of COVID, back when binge-watching Tiger King was everyone’s biggest prerogative. The article posed the question — if the Eagles ceased to exist, who would you root for?
For anyone considering tuning into the 1:05 pm games with a newfound fandom for a non-Eagles team, let the aforementioned piece be a compass helping you weather the impossibility of choosing between all your enemies.
2) Read a Book
The last book I read was Of Mice and Men over a decade ago. Some say reading “helps” with a variety of “things” but no one has ever been more specific than that, so who’s to say? Perhaps you could finally pick up the pile of bookstore purchases that have not been touched since you threw out the receipt. Or maybe you hate words and opt for a graphic novel. Or you are Doug Pederson in which case maybe you should READ THE DAMN PLAYBOOK.
Photo: Kim Newman/Empire
3) Learn to Cook
What’s better than food? Literally nothing. What’s better than having more money? Aside from food, literally nothing. Let’s two-birds-one-stone this bad boy and learn to cook! When we all revisit football a year from now to give the Eagles another miserly chance, you will take your rightful place as grill master at the tailgate.
4) Pick up a Hobby
Unless you are like Justin Tucker and are good at literally everything, find something you don’t know how to do and want to learn, and do it! For example, I learned how to sew the other day! I sewed my Vick jersey back together so I could tear it apart again. Think of the endless possibilities…
5) Call your Senator
What’s a little civil engagement once in a while? Maybe you are passionate about climate change or just hate your local park. Whether you are the penultimate Karen or some greasy man named Will who hasn’t called his own mother since he last read Of Mice and Men in middle school, surely it wouldn’t hurt to be the change you wish to see in the world. After all, Gandhi said that, and look how he’s doing!
6) Get ME a job
I don’t get paid to do this, guys.
7) Put a Toothpick Under Your Toenail and Forcefully Kick a Wall
Surely this would do less harm than the Eagles have already done to your mental health, no?
If you are still looking for a way to kill time, go to sleep earlier. Or maybe reread your most recent performance evaluation at work and RE-evaluate how much time you spend reading blogs about a team that must sincerely hate you and me both.
That’s coming from the man who wrote this. I said it before, and I’ll say it again: oy vey.
Photo: Life without the Eagles. Oil on Canvas. 2018 (Via Clement Hurd, 1947).
Featured Image: Associated Press
Discover more from Philadelphia Sports Nation
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
