Hear me out…

Photo: Matthew Marczi/Steelers Depot

For most, 2020 has been a carousel. Hamilton was made accessible by Disney+ and suburban moms hot for Andrew Cuomo got the television they have been begging for. Truly the best of years.

But for the Eagles? A different picture.

For Philadelphia Football, 2020 has been a nightmare. Every facet of the game is struggling and showing zero signs of turning it around.


It may sound implausible – impossible even – but they can still make this a winning season.

Not only that, but the Eagles could even win the Super Bowl. And here’s how.


1) Every Other Team Gets COVID

Listen, no one is rooting for this. If you are, you are worse than a Cowboys fan (unless that Cowboys fan is also rooting for this, in which case you technically have the higher ground).

THAT BEING SAID, answer this: were the Pittsburgh Steelers better off against the Baltimore Ravens when half the team was sick? Did the Tennessee Titans benefit from losing a Bye Week? Exactly.

Let’s all wish for the continued health of every player AND recognize that, like Dak Prescott’s and Carson Wentz’s respective injuries, good players cannot win you games from the sideline. Go Pfizer, but also go birds.

2) Cancel Culture

There just have to be enough dirtbags and horrid tweets on every roster for keyboard crusaders to devastate the NFL. Political correctness (occasionally called conversational decency) has struggled to tackle the worst humans the league has to offer (see: Ben Roethlisberger, Greg Hardy), but 2021 is almost upon us, and a wave of “accountability” is sweeping the nation! Celebrities left and right are facing justifiable questions regarding previous actions.

If the Eagles dream of winning Super Bowl LV, Philadelphians ought to beg Gen Z Tik Tok-ers to dig up their worst on the NFL’s best.

3) A Suspiciously Convenient Wave of Skiing Accidents

According to the National Ski Areas Association (NSAA, not NASA), the industry sees a seasonal average of 38 fatalities per season. Projected throughout the league, that would only mean one player down per team. But suppose a Vertical Limit-level nitroglycerine-related slew of unexpected avalanches and ski lift malfunctions tripled, quadrupled, or even septupled those numbers? Entire offensive lines could be vacant, receiving corps wiped out, even coaching staffs could be at risk.

Again, no one is rooting for this. Still, any realist would attest that a very, very, VERY strange string of slope slip-ups to the 31 other teams could make the Eagles default champions.

4) Every Other Team Does Something Particularly Mean to Me

Time to break the fourth wall. My mother, God bless her, will end you if you lay a finger on one of her children. Do not be fooled by her midwestern roots — Colleen will snap necks. In the timeless words of Yao from Disney’s Mulan, “she will hit you so hard, it’ll make your ancestors dizzy.”

Will Connell ain’t no tattletale, but if snitches get their enemies relinquished, I’m telling mom.

5) Aliens

Photo: The History Channel

Signs. Independence Day. Mars Attacks.

These documentaries have shed light on the innate conflict between terrestrials and their extra counterparts. Maybe the universe is so big to keep the kids from fighting.

Either way, an alien invasion could pay dividends for Lombardi Trophy #2 hopefuls. A city with the slogan “fuck around and find out” would be the last to fall in any intergalactic warfare, so cross your fingers and don your aluminum caps: they’re listening.


Honorable Mention: Prayer


Not even God can save us now.

Featured Image: Winslow Townson/USA TODAY Sports
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