Celestial Analysis of the Eagles Quarterback Situation
It’s August 4th, 1995.
A young Midwestern woman hurries into the passenger seat, her Bronx-born worse half at the wheel.
He calmly stops at red lights, lacking any sense of urgency. At the hospital it’s nothing new — this is far from their first rodeo. At 8:22 pm, the person writing this is added to an already crowded global population. More importantly, another Leo Sun is born.
Astrology, often chalked up as nothing more than “economics for chuds,” is of growing popularity in determinist crowds. Gen-Z and young millennials, herding to Twitter and TikTok, study the soft science with unwavering faith. And who can blame them? The GameStop hoopla causing headaches on Wall Street took place on a full moon — a clear case of cause and effect.
So why should football be any different? Sure, their marriage is unorthodox, but football and astrology ought to go together like peas and carrots.
With that said, let’s take a look at the Eagles’ quarterback situation heading into free agency… through a celestial lens.
The Eagles head into 2021 a house divided. Players, both active and retired, were polarized by the firing of Doug Pederson and the passing-over of Duce Staley. Keyboard crusaders are hard at work disparaging Howie Roseman by any means possible. The same woman who gave birth to me 25 years ago still blames the last three seasons on not siding with Nick Foles in the 2018 offseason.
Photo: Mitchell Leff/Getty Images
Enter Nick Sirianni. Because who better to smooth out such distress than… *checks notes* …a 39-year-old without play-calling experience. The young buck did coordinate high-performing offenses under three vastly different quarterbacks but has yet to face the sort of turmoil he’ll find in Philadelphia (and before anyone says anything about Andrew Luck’s abrupt retirement, that situation is not the same as managing conflicting personalities fighting for one starting spot).
Carson Wentz nearly requested a trade with games still on the regular-season schedule as his poor performance incited the rise of Jalen Hurts. Hurts upset a dominant Saints defense, joining Foles in the arsenal of “quarterbacks who WIP callers use to challenge Wentz’ franchise QB status.” It would be their final win of the season.
With a GM struggling to reconcile the QB1 position, and an owner fighting not to lose the locker room, it is time to turn to the stars.
For starters, Nick Sirianni was born on June 15th, making him a Gemini.
Geminis are described as intellectually curious, social beings with high emotional intelligence. Anyone who has seen tape of Sirianni in Colts’ practices can attest to his jocular demeanor.
Next up, Carson Wentz, born December 30th, is a Capricorn.
As an Earth sign, these types are pragmatic and grounded. They are also very smart and work very hard. At their worst, they can be ostentatious with their intelligence, believing they have all the answers.
Finally, Jalen Hurts’ August 7th birthday makes him a Leo (woot woot!).
We, Leos, are passionate, creative, and generous, but can be self-obsessed. Simply put, we love ourselves very much, sometimes too much. Take for example a writer whose opening hook is about his own birth…
To Summarize…
One of astrology’s greatest assets is its ability to gauge compatibility. Let’s take the head coach: Sirianni, a Gemini, is compatible with Leos (Hurts), but not Capricorns (Wentz). Interestingly, the supposed “franchise guy” Wentz is compatible with Jeffrey Lurie (a Virgo), but not with Sirianni or Hurts. Worse yet, Hurts’ aforementioned compatibility with Sirianni pairs worryingly with incompatibility with Wentz.
Sports media at every level have been concerned with Wentz’s coachability. He’s a guy who has not demonstrated a desire to be coached since the departure of Frank Reich. To the astrology haters out there (who have long-since departed from this article and are busy in the mentions name-calling me), that behavior aligns mightily with the sort of know-it-all, seems-grounded-but-is-impossible-to-work-with description of a Capricorn.
Not to mention their relationship with trust is entirely incompatible with Aquarius’, the sign that just so happens to align with the most recent Eagles Head Coach.
If we take the stars on their face value, Sirianni and Wentz are destined for conflict. On the flipside, Hurts’ creativity paired with Sirianni’s intelligence and high EQ are an astrologist’s dream come true. The main concern with Hurts will be handling relegation to QB2 status, a second-tier that Leos consider professional purgatory.
Nevertheless, if recent staff changes are of any indication, Jeffrey Lurie’s say will reign supreme. Sirianni and Hurts could very well be the losers of this celestial fiasco.
Shoutout to the homie Lizzie Nguyen for the astrological inspiration, guidance, and graphics. And to Eagles fans nationwide: grab some crystals and manifest a Super Bowl title — it’s the best hope we have.
Featured Image: ClutchPoints
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