Eagles 2026 Draft Recap, Without Any Football Stats
Hey, did you hear the NFL had its draft last week? Probably.
You’ve likely seen a lot of breakdowns from stats, projections, players’ comps, or some other type of hardcore analysis.
We’re not going to be doing any of that here; instead, we’ll look at some intangibles.
1st Round: WR Makai Lemon // USC
We’ll start with the Eagles’ first-round pick.
The Philadelphia Eagles drafted Mikai Lemon 20th overall. If we look strictly at the intangibles, there are some pros and cons. In order to draft him, the Eagles had to trade with the Cowboys to jump in front of the Steelers. If he turns out to be a superstar, we’ll forever get to laugh at the clip of the Steelers on the phone with him as the Eagles draft him.
On the other hand, Steelers wide receivers tend to be phenomenal talents who all seem to have something off.
Need examples? Take a look at how both Pickens and Antonio Brown perform wrestling moves.
Lemon’s last name is also synonymous with a defective car. Not great if he struggles and everyone gets to make the easy lay-up joke. Rookie mentals are an important part of their growth in the NFL, so knowing a joke can be made could hurt in the long run and create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you’re a 30 Rock fan like me, there will be plenty of positive jokes we can make to offset them.
2nd Round: TE Eli Stowers // Vanderbilt
In the second round, the Eagles drafted Eli Stowers, a former basketball player. Expect it to be mentioned frequently and to hear Jimmy Graham’s name pop up for no other reason than being a basketball player. Not that it’s a bad thing, but it does lead to a player being type-cast as a receiver-focused tight end when I’d rather see him grow as a blocker.
You’ll also get easy nicknames on tough catches about how he “stowed” the ball away from defenders.
3rd Round: T Markel Bell // Miami
Listen, all of these won’t get a full breakdown. Some are just simple analyses, like Markel Bell’s name rhymes, so I like him. Way easier to remember and root for a player with a recognizable name.
5th Round: QB Cole Payton // North Dakota State
Or maybe the player has a recognizable school like Cole Payton and North Dakota State. His intangibles include the fact that 50% of the Eagles’ Super Bowl wins feature an NDSU backup QB.
6th Round: G Micah Morris // Georgia
Another is that Micah Morris went to Georgia, so the Philly Bulldogs continue for another year.
7th Round: S Cole Wisniewski // Texas Tech
We’ll round it off with the seventh round picks. First (of the last round) for the Eagles was Cole Wisniewski. Do not confuse him with a relative of Stefen Wisniewski, a former Eagles guard during the Super Bowl run.
Now, if you had a nickel for every time the Eagles had a Wisniewski, you’d have two nickels, which isn’t much but still strange.
7th Round: DT Uar Bernard // International Player Pathway Program
Continuing with being confused about a player, we have Uar Bernard. The confusing part is that he wasn’t an actual football player. That means I couldn’t even provide a statistical analysis if I wanted to. This isn’t the first time the Eagles drafted someone with no football experience, Jordan Mailata obviously.
The strange thing is that if you had a nickel for every time that happened… no, I’m not going to make that joke again. I’m certainly not going to go full meta and make a joke about how if you had a nickel for every time I made a if you had a nickel joke…
7th Round: OLB Keyshawn James-Newby // New Mexico
Lastly, we have Keyshawn James-Newby. The name kind of sounds like a player from year 10 of your franchise mode generated when all the real names run out. Honestly, I hope he stays with the team for a long time. It’ll be very funny to have a 10-year vet with the last name “Newby”.
The good news is that he helped balance out the offense-versus-defense number of picks (even if all three defensive players came in the seventh round).
Now you may wonder why I don’t just analyze the players and stats to give predictions?
Truth is, so much comes down to how the players adapt to a much higher competition, new coaches, city expectations, or things like media pressure from idiots who like to make jokes instead of analysis.
What we expect hardly ever matches what we’ll see in future endeavors. All we can do now is make jokes and try to support the players the best we can.
Discover more from Philadelphia Sports Nation
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
